The bugs here are dicks.

I’ve been hunted for weeks now. Swatting constantly, pulling wings off the back of my neck. It’s starting to catch up with me — the need to always be ‘on guard’. It’s like being on a battlefield. (Those of you who know me well know that I tend to lean that way in general — little bit ‘on the ready’. And I’ve been working on that…and I will…just not THIS summer…)

I didn’t know this before, but apparently incense is a repellant. We light it up and wait for the flies to take their exit cue. It smells like church service just started, but it’s fly-free…that is, for the duration of the incense burning. So after I have had my momentary peace, I stand for the massacre. (Just like God intended.) After taking down 2 yesterday, I actually said OUTLOUD as I went for #3, “I hope you smell the blood of your breathren — and FLY.” I haven’t found a flyswatter, but a flyswatter I do not need. One of my proudest moments in life — okay, in regards to bug-killing — was when I calmly shut the door, in an empty room, and took down a real motherfucker of a fly — with a spiral-bound notebook. You may be thinking that you, too, have killed flies with notebooks. I know, I know. But the reason for my pride in the situation I speak of was that I did not smash the fly ON some object. I carefully, calculatedly, moved the fly from east to west, north to south — in the current of the room’s air — until I had enclosed him in SPACE…………..and then…….THEN…..I raised the notebook high above his body and TOOK.HIM.DOWN. It was my most ninja-like experience thus far.

While I can take down flies in space, I cannot — canNOT – kill all the mosquitos in the outdoors. They are EVERYWHERE. Relentless. Never mind the hour. Thinking I had gone out to play with Bela during a low-mosquito frequency the other day, I was exasperated to find my extremities covered immediately. I asked a local, “Are there like….good times to go out and evade the mosquitos…like, certain times of day that are better than others? There have to be..right!?? I mean, when do they SLEEP!???”

My informant didn’t skip a beat — and though I laughed — they weren’t kidding — when they responded, “I think they sleep in shifts.”

I’m going to take their word on the matter, because I can’t seem to beat these blood-suckers at their own game. No time is safe. More clothing is better than less clothing, but when it’s 95 degrees, how covered up do you want to be?

Along the lines of incense-for-flies, there is supposedly a PLANT that repels mosquitos. Never one for homeopathic remedies, I balked at the suggestion. But I’m getting restless and I’m ready to try anything. I’ve heard B1 may help. It’s been mentioned that vanilla extract, dabbed on the skin works (which I’m actually quite excited about — Coty’s Vanilla Fields perfume is the closest I’ve ever gotten to smelling that good…and you could totally tell I got that shit from Kmart.) Word on the street is that the ‘OFF!’ clip-ons get the job done. At some point I’m sure I will fall and begin wearing one on my hip. I’m just wondering if ‘Mom-jeans’ come with the clip…or if you have to buy those separately.

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