If I Go –

Hey. Is this morbid? Writing about what I want to reveal if I were to die? It’s just — I could go any minute. We all could go any minute. We are guaranteed no amount of time. People walk out their front door some days and don’t ever walk back in it. I don’t think I’m at death’s front step, but I’m also not sure. And there are some things I want to say.

If you have been reading my blog for the last few years, you know that my upswing in happiness has been INSANE. Béla had already burrowed a big hole of happiness into my tough shell, but Nic broke through with a sledgehammer. Then we took a risk on a baby and that turned out to lead to more happiness. Gross amounts. Scary amounts that make you want to hold onto your life with tense knuckles, because you ended up getting it so good and then you become scared to death to lose it and you think about death more ( = all the time) and you become increasingly scared that you’ll go and so you just really want to say outloud the things you need to be known if you do.

  1. Holy shitballs, have I had a good time living so far.
  2. Holy shitballs, do I love dogs.
  3. I had one dream, tucked under my arm, deep into my ribcage, for as long as I could dream — and that was to be known as a writer. For the world to see my insides, my true desire, my calling. I’m going to say that at this point, that is true. Most people who know me now think of me as a writer or at least someone who loves to write. So? I did it. I accomplished the only goal I was ever truly aware of. For that, I will pat myself on the back.
  4. Béla was the catalyst for all the good change in my life. ALL OF IT.
  5. I don’t regret one thing I’ve ever done. (I don’t think. There could be a massive gaping hole of forgotten, dark things – but that of which I’m aware? Not that it was all super ‘smart.’ But I regret none of it.
  6. I fucking LOVE AGING.        AGING, PEOPLE, IS LIVING. IT HAPPENS IN TIME. IT IS UNAVOIDABLE, AND THE GREATEST GIFT YOU COULD EVER RECEIVE.
  7. Nic is the single best person I have ever met. One time, when we were driving and a guy cut us off, he said the meanest thing I’ve ever heard him say  ( — you know, for him.)  He drew a breath in, it was kinda rattled, the breath, and sounded angry and I thought I was going to get access to his boiling pot of rage that bubbled under the surface and sure enough it looked like it when he opened his mouth and said, “Oooh. I hope he gets into an accident…”     but there was a pause at the end of his sentence and sure enough by god it continued and when it did it continued into this:     “….but that he doesn’t get hurt…..”           GOOD LORD HIS PURE SOUL.    LIVING NEXT TO IT HAS BEEN AN HONOR.
  8. ADOPT DOGS! JUST ADOPT! THEY ARE ALREADY HERE AND THEY NEED TO BE LOVED. Please don’t let your projected affinity for some breed convince you to partake in the impregnation of a mother dog and then the eventual robbery of her baby dogs. It’s just fuckin’ insane, when you think about it. Please ADOPT.
  9. Ollie. Thank goodness he came to me. Ollie, thank you for coming to me.
  10. Okay. I hope to God writing this out doesn’t mean I had some crazy ass foresight into my own impending death. But if it does – remember me with joy and adopt a dog in my name. I don’t believe in being buried and PLEASE DON’T WASTE MONEY ON A FUNERAL FOR ME — ADOPT DOGS AND SAVE DOGS FROM THE MEAT TRADE! (I’m dead fuckin serious about this. I think I read they are $600 a pop to get them shipped outta there in the night. SHIP ALL OF THEM YOU CAN IN MY DAMN NAME.) Tell Ollie his mom loved him and that she loved life and to save dogs and don’t let Nic remarry.

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