I FUCKING HATE ADDICTION.
I mean, no one likes it. But I hate it. I don’t blame the addict, but I hate it. I will avoid it – and the person it has affected – at all costs. Why?
Because addiction kills humanity. It just smashes it to smithereens.
It strangles it – and wrangles it – to the ground, and gets high off of the steam that rises.
My first name means Warrior Maiden. I have known this since I was roughly fifteen. It sounded a little cheesy, but also badass, so I committed it to memory. It did feel like me. I loved challenging people and ideas. I loved to fight.
I’m not fifteen. I’m done fighting.
I’m at the point where I’ve started running.
Last night, I ran away from home.
Homes don’t have meaning. Safety has meaning.
- Are you free to be who you are?
- Are you comfortable falling asleep?
- Does your heart beat louder than it should?
You should have checked yes to the top two and no to the last question. If your answers were any other than this, please step out of the line and exit the building. You’re not good here. The air’s not right. You won’t be able to grow.
I’m writing this from the same home I moved into three and half years ago when I reached the shores of Iowa. You can even follow my blog back that far, and read the changes as they were happening. I had run. From a bad situation to a new one, and I was busy learning what that meant and how what it might feel like to again be free. Last night, I grabbed diapers for my baby and a leash for my dog and almost nothing for me – and I drove back here, to Iowa City. There’s a situation across the street from my house that isn’t safe for me. For us.
The neighbor on the other side of us is carrying a gun. I won’t carry a gun. BUT I WILL RUN.
I will run every time something bad threatens to swallow me. I will never stay put, as long as I don’t feel free. I feel vulnerable, and pissed, and sad, and like I want to walk back home and cross the street and FIGHT. But I’m done. Because this, too, is a fight – the running. It’s a fight for a free and happy life. It’s a fight not against anyone else — but FOR ME.